A Chance At Something Beautiful
by lessxordinary
Summary: Kadaj's life never really mattered, he realizes now. 'Everything I am, does it just add up to one burst of blinding light' Trying to deal with a world that never cared, he finds solace in Aerith and tries to find peace. Slight KadajxAerith KadajxYazoo


**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this story, except my own words.

**Author's Note:** This story was inspired by my, Kadaj's, pining for Aerith, my lovely friend who is gone over the summer. This story contains spoiler's for the ending of Advent Children. I'd like to thank for help remembering the lines at the end of the movie, because I was stupid and forgot to write them down. Also, I'm aware that Aerith is also spelled Aeris. I just prefer the English spelling, so I use it. Also, I'm aware there are mixed views on the lifestream. This is my personal opinion on what it would be like, so please don't hate. This isn't exactly KadajxAerith, but it sort of is... you'll just have to see. There are hints of KadajxYazoo, but only vaguely. In a few weeks I should have up a KadajxYazoo lemon, if you guys want it. A request from a friend. Anyway... Yeah. This is sort of my tribute to Kadaj, because the ending of Advent Children was just too sad. I wanted closure, so I'm writing this. Heh. Kadaj is exploited brilliance.

**Spoiler Warning**

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"This is it." His green-blue eyes flashed, the cat-pupils daring, fierce. Hiding the terror, the anticipation. In a few seconds, his whole world could be destroyed, or become the purest paradise he'd ever known. "My reunion." Tentative, scared. Do I want to know who she'll choose? The only person who ever really mattered? Mother... "I bet you're just dying to watch." Fear, pain. He was shaking. Good thing he was falling, or his brother would have seen the fear, the cold, clammy terror that raced through his veins.

Black-clad hands wrapped around his mother's head, lovingly, tenderly. His torso absorbed her, and it was natural. Perfect. But it was wrong. He had failed her somehow, by doing everything she asked. Nothing was right, or good. Mother... I have failed you...

A blinding light. He was unaware, a drifting consciousness. Stuck, trapped. Distantly felt something like a body around him, but it wasn't quite real, wasn't quite tangible. He only saw darkness, saw without eyes, screamed with out a voice, and cried without tears. The hours moved on, or was it seconds? He sensed his thoughts, could almost watch them try and reach him, silvery lines of light that weren't really there, didn't really have a beginning or end. Good bye mind, goodbye fear. Goodbye thought and dreams and hopes. Escape, yes, please. But his awakening was rude.

Pain, blinding. More so than the darkness of that relentless lack of existence before. Nothing made sense, he was scared, terrified. Silver hair sent sleek lines through his distorted vision, distorted by pain and tears that threatened his cheeks. But he was too miserable to cry, in too much pain to think. He stumbled to his knees, and he was so terribly aware of his own existence.

For a few moments, he tried to stand. He lingered with in the safety of himself, appreciating it. Because he knew it was the last time. The way the leather clung to his hips, the way his hair brushed his face. Lashes touched his cheeks, wind danced over his cold lips. He breathed, the air tasting better, because it was his last. It hurt, breathing. Sent bolts of pain up his body, but he even savored the pain. Because it was real. It seared him, and he emblazoned the memory of the feeling into his mind. Remember the pain, the joy of life. Because soon, it's going to be over.

He threw himself at Cloud, but the attempt was useless. They both knew that, but Kadaj felt like he had to try. Wanted to try, just to feel the muscles of his long legs pushing out beneath him, feel his back tense and arch. He wanted to fall, hit the ground. Feel the cold, hard metal of that rooftop. Sense something, some part of some world that he'd never belonged to. He wanted to belong. He wanted death more in that instant then ever before. Because at least in death, he could be nothing. That's all there is in death, isn't it? Lovely blackness. No more pain, no more trying, no more aching for something you can never have.

It made him want to cry, made him want to hold something. Too weak, though. His brother had caught him, he realized now, and he cherished that too. Worshiped the warmth beneath him, the firm, giving feel of another body.

"Brother..."

He gasped, longing for something more than this. From the world. But never again, he would never feel it again. He looked up, but he looked past the blond at his side. His body was numb, numbness seeping through him. Vaguely aware of wounds, of pain, of Cloud, of life. But only vaguely, like he was looking at it through the wrong end of a telescope. Wrong, again, failing even in death. Can't even die right. Oh god, it hurts. Release, please, let me go. Mother, Yazoo, Cloud... Please, Loz. Sephiroth. Anyone who cares. No one cares, of course, not at the end. No one...

"Kadaj?"

Sweetness, a voice. Pure, painful. He wanted to trust her, follow her. The voice called to him, pulled somewhere that went passed his heart and soul, passed his body, into the very core of his existence. A voice that brought back all the feelings he had ever experienced, but none of the memories. He was losing something, losing himself. I want to hold on... A few seconds more...

"You don't have to fight any longer..."

Fighting? When had he been fighting? All he could remember was this numbness, and the stinging he felt somewhere behind his eyes. The stinging of tears that longed to fall, tears that would never fall again. But he was still fighting, somehow. Clinging onto a shred of hope, a shred of need. He was so young, too young to die. But he was exhausted, and tired. Too tired.

"Mother? Is that you?"

Almost too weak to form the words but oh, Mother, please, I want to go home. Please. I don't know where home is, and I don't know how to get there. I've never known how to get there. I want something to feel right for once, instead of wrong. Need something beautiful instead of something that hurts. Deny me again, sweet, perfect mother... Just don't turn away. Don't leave me to die. Wait... I'm dying. Then take me with you... Mother.

"Everyone's waiting..."

Everyone? Who is everyone? I've known nothing, Mother. You don't understand... beautiful Kaa-san, I haven't lived. I've lived only for you, done only what you told me to do. I have loved only you. Please... Please... He didn't even know why he was begging anymore, but it felt like it was the right thing to do. The only thing left. Entreating some god that didn't exist, a mother who had never cared. An existence that had never belonged to him, a place he had never had a claim to. I never had a right to be here to begin with...

"If you're ready?"

Water. Soft, soothing drops of water. Fell like unshed tears, fell like bombs or snowflakes or flower petals. Fell like Yazoo's hair, moved like Loz's bullets. Liquid silver, pure and clean. He had used to hate clean and pure... but now, it didn't feel so bad. The water fell over him, running down his cheeks, across his body. The leather-clad body he was abandoning. The water kept falling, cool and crisp. The sun was coming out, glorious in all it's colors of red and yellow. It colored the world a beautiful, perfect orange, shades of pink dancing everywhere. Yes, he wanted to die during a sunset. He felt something calm wash over him, wash over him like the rain. He reached out a hand, reached out toward her.

'Yes, I'm ready. Yes, Mother, take me. I want freedom.'

He stood, his mako-eyes staring into the light. He watched his hand go toward the it and his body began to drift away into nothingness. He'd gotten used to entreating her with his mind, but he had never gotten an answer. This time, though, the voice was gentle and soft in his mind.

'Alright, Kadaj. Come home.'

And he did.


End file.
